Forgiveness

I could use some thoughts, inspirations and prayers about forgiveness.

I still struggle with lack of forgiveness towards a few people and despite much prayer, the wounds remain. I have prayed much for those who have offended me and even offered up masses for them, but I simply can't reach out and reconcile and it grieves me because I know my inaction wounds our Father.

The thing is that when I have come close to picking up the phone or writing a letter, I can't go through with it because I have to admit that I'm still hanging on to those old wounds. I know that these are footholds and I don't want to hold on to them, but somehow I can't let them go.

I just keep praying for the gift of forgiveness because I can't do it on my own, but it hasn't been given to me yet.

Has anyone been delivered from grudges or wounds? Care to share the prayers that you think helped?

 

I picked something up recently from listening to tapes of Francine, the locutionist from Canada. When an old wound comes to mind, and the old grudge comes calling, I pray, "Mercy, Lord; Mercy!" This immediately evaporates the harshness I feel.

There are some people who I've been specifically told in prayer to avoid; "Shake the dust from your feet." I have the sense that further contact with them is not fruitful, and putting myself in proximity to them just gives them further opportunities to sin. But the minute I pray, "Mercy", my heart softens toward them and I love them, from a safe distance.

Francine's videos: https://onedrive.live.com/?id=B14F478BA16042B4!307&cid=B14F478BA16042B4&group

 

Hi Andree,
one of the best and quickest ways I found, in my own experience, to receive the grace of forgiveness is to ask the Lord for the grace to rise above the hurts, and to constantly praise Him for giving you this grace and that He will be glorified in it. Do the prayer of praise as often and as constant as you can. It may take a few days but the grace will come and you will be filled with God's love for the person, you may or may not remember the deed, but even if you do, the pain of it will be gone. Try to do it for one person first and when you receive the grace for that one, it will give you strength to do it for everyone.
Also, if you are able to fast, that would be a great help to you too.

 

I understand where you are coming from very well. It's been 10 years since I last saw my mother and probably 7 since I last talked to her on the phone. There is a painful background story that includes pain and rejection enough to last several lifetimes, if you get my drift. She did not protect me as she should have and a lot of harm to came because of her decisions. Even after all of that, I made several attempts at starting over with her, especially after getting married and starting my own family. The last time we saw each other she rejected me and my family horribly. Forgiveness has been a very difficult thing and really it's been a journey. Like you, I have thought about writing a letter or calling, but something always stops me. After taking this to prayer and confession many times over the years, I have come to the realization that perhaps it is not God's will. Of course it is His will that I forgive, but perhaps it's not His will that we reconcile. So I continue to pray for my mother and ask God to lead her back to Him (she's been away from the Church for almost 30 years) and I then I trust that this situation is all in His hands.

Anyway, I think you can forgive and let go without having reconciliation and re-establishment of relationship.

 

I was able to forgive someone who hurt a family member very badly. I didn't want to forgive him initially. So each morning I said an Our Father asking for the desire to forgive. Eventually I wanted to and then asked for the ability to with each Our Father. Eventually after many mornings saying my simple Our Father for this intention, I noticed the knot in my stomach was gone when I thought of this person and I knew I had forgiven him. I only started the whole process because in confession I told the priest I was having a hard time forgiving someone and he said God would forgive me as I have forgiven others. I know I need forgiveness from god so I figured I better start trying even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. But a simple Our Father each morning did the trick.

I also get the nudge to shake the dust off and offer the pain up with some people. That works for me too.

 

I use the Our Father daily to ask for forgiveness and as Border collie said I give thanks to God for the healing and forgiveness in it. It has brought a healing. A simple prayer when I find myself getting angry or hurt that I use is, My Father, have mercy on me and bless him{them}.

 

There's an old song "I'll forgive but I'll never forget." Thank God He always forgets.

 

There is a guy at work who just started here a couple of years ago and for some reason he just drives me crazy, a bit like some unkillable flea on some poor dog he keeps me scratching at myself, being annoyed at the very thought of him.

The only relief I ever get is when I start to pray for him. This rmeinds me that it is the devil who is keeping me going by rmeinding me about him and putting these thoughts into my mind. The devil flees when he sees he is having the exact opposite effect of that which he intends.

I look at things this way. Suppose I liked the guy and we got on well, when would I ever pray for him? Now as things go I end up praying for him all the time.

So many of the saints in Religious communities have written about this and the bottom line is that it was the very people who drove them the most crazy that did them the most good. But we have to pray for them. Otherwise like some poor dog we just keep scratching ourselves to death.

 

I have struggled with forgiveness for some who have hurt me in a life changing way. I found the article I will link below and it helped a lot. First of all I had to realize I didn't even realize what forgiveness actually was. It does not mean I have to "forget" what they did to me or stop being angry at them to forgive them.

Here is the article:

Fr. Carlos Martins, CC
Director
Pilgrimage of Mercy

While St. Maria is universally known as the Patroness of Purity, her greatest virtue was her unyielding forgiveness of her attacker even in the midst of horrendous physical suffering. This forgiveness would completely convert him and set him on a path to personal holiness.

As Maria understood so well, forgiveness is something quintessentially Christian. While all major religions offer some value to forgiveness, only Christianity upholds forgiveness as its central tenet. Indeed, it was to share with us the Father’s forgiveness that Christ became incarnate and underwent His torture and death. Forgiveness is God’s victory, the crown jewel of the Christian faith.

All of us, at one point or another, have been hurt by someone. Sometimes these hurts are so great that they are life changing in a destructive manner. They leave one injured, grieving, and often angry or scared. Long-term, and even permanent, wounding is the result. For example, how does a rape victim come to peace again? How is it that someone whose health has been permanently taken away by another obtain tranquility? How do family members who have had a loved one murdered find comfort?

For many, forgiveness is a barrier that seems insurmountable. For the Christian, however, it is a deeply personal configuration to the one we love: Jesus Christ. It is not only a requirement of Jesus, who commands that we must forgive or forfeit our own forgiveness (Matt 6:14), it is also the way by which we imitate Him who is the mercy and forgiveness of the Father Himself.


What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a decision. It is an act of the will. Nothing more. Nothing less.

We can understand more by looking at what it is not:

• Forgiveness is not saying that the offence or hurt that was done “is o.k.” Offenses, especially the most hurtful ones, will never be “o.k.” How can a mother who has lost her child to a murder, for example, ever be “o.k.” with it?
• Forgiveness is also not saying that the offense is to be forgotten. We often hear the phrase, “Forgive and forget.” That might work when the offense was something small, like the stealing of a few dollars. But when the hurt we receive is enormous, it is impossible to forget it.
• Forgiveness is not an emotion. We can still be angry, scared, depressed, or sad, even after genuinely forgiving the one who has hurt us. Our emotions are virtually impossible to control. Thus, forgiveness has to be something apart from being emotionally stable and “at peace.”
• Forgiveness is independent of the pain we feel. It is not a state of being pain free or a state of contentment. Just because we are suffering does not mean we cannot forgive. Similarly, because we continue to suffer after forgiving does not mean that we have not genuinely forgiven. And, to complete the scenarios, just because we do not experience suffering following a hurt does not mean there is no need to forgive; the mere fact that there was a violation is sufficient to warrant—in fact, to necessitate—forgiveness.

The first step in forgiving is to acknowledge that there was a violation, that the offender did something hurtful. When the violation occurs the offender takes something that he or she had no right to take; e.g., my peace, my freedom, my childhood, my marriage, my heart, my trust, my child’s life, my safety, my virginity, my innocence, my inheritance, my life savings, etc…. Justice demands that when someone takes something that does not belong to him, a debt has been incurred. Whatever was taken is owed back. But, in the greatest hurts we receive the damage done is almost always irreparable and the debt cannot ever be paid back. How can a murderer restore the life he took? How can a rapist restore his victim’s integrity? How can a child molester restore his victim back to a state of peace?

Thus, along with acknowledging the debt that is owed, forgiveness is also acknowledging that the offender cannot (or will not) pay back that debt. We have now reached the critical part of forgiveness. In order for forgiveness to be complete, the victim must release the offender of that debt, and turn that debt over to Jesus. The victim then asks Jesus that—instead of the debt—that the offender be given His blessing instead.

Thus, the victim should speak out the words aloud, “Jesus, I release [offender’s name] from his debt to me and I give that debt to you. In place of that debt I ask You to give [offender’s name] a blessing instead.” Jesus, receiving that debt, does exactly that: He removes that debt from the offender, takes it upon Himself, and bestows His blessing on the offender.

(Continued)

 

Part 2 (Continued)
Do we have to actually say the words of forgiveness directly to the offender for the forgiveness to be genuine? Saying the words directly to the offender is not always possible nor prudent. For example, it can be that the offender is now dead, or that the offender is a non-personal entity (e.g., a government), or that the offender is dangerous (e.g., an abusive spouse) and pronouncing the words of forgiveness may subject us to more abuse. If it is possible and prudent, the words of forgiveness should be said directly to the offender, either audibly or through written means. Such is the greater and more complete imitation of Jesus who, while suffering on the cross, announced His forgiveness to His attackers in their hearing (Lk 23:34).

It is important to be aware that because the declaration of forgiveness is made does not mean that all negative feelings and hurt magically disappear. Humans are complex creatures and parts of us are frequently at war with other parts. As already stated above, feelings—especially negative ones—are often beyond our control. The enemy will also manipulate our feelings to make us think that, because of the way we feel, that we have not forgiven. Do not give into this temptation!

In such moments, simply direct your attention to those feelings and address them directly: “I do not want you. I have already rejected you. You are not welcome in me. I choose the peace and tranquility that comes through imitating Jesus.” And then renew your act of forgiveness once again by repeating to Jesus, “I release [offender’s name] from his debt to me and I give that debt to you Jesus. I ask you to give him a blessing instead.” Even if the negative feelings come forth multiple times each day—even, say 43 times—then renew your act of forgiveness 43 times. In time, the negative feeling will subside because you are not offering a home to them, nor are allowing them to be nurtured, but are being proactive against them. Peace will follow as a result and those feeling will gradually cease.




Summary of the Steps

1. Acknowledge that there was a violation. It is useful to name what the violation is.
2. Identify the debt owed by the offender.
3. Speak out the words, “Jesus, I release [offender’s name] from his debt to me and I give that debt to you. I ask you to give [offender’s name] a blessing instead.”
4. When the pain, bitterness, anger, or any other negativity rises up against the offender, we turn and speak to that negativity as if it were a person, saying. “I do not want you [anger … or bitterness … or resentments, etc.]. I have already rejected you. You are not welcome in me. I choose the peace and tranquility that comes through imitating Jesus.” And then renew the act of forgiveness once again by repeating to Jesus what you have already said in step 3.

The Effects of Forgiveness
The blessings and effects of forgiveness are incalculable. They include the following:

• The offender becomes free of the debt, a debt which he cannot (or will not) pay, and he receives a new presence of God inside him. God will be at work within him in a new way. St. Maria Goretti’s forgiveness of her murderer while he was in prison is a fine example of this. Her forgiveness brought with it the Holy Spirit who subsequently changed him completely.
• We are rid of the powerlessness that comes with victimhood and become empowered to free ourselves from the loss and perpetual injustice of the offense. Again, we are not saying that the offense is forgotten, or that it is “o.k.”, or that we are no longer in pain, or that we do not feel gripped by intense anger or some other emotion. We are inviting Jesus into the situation and we are choosing to give Him ultimate control of it.
• We have configured ourselves to Jesus, who is the mercy and forgiveness of the Father. We have allowed Him and His sovereignty to become incarnate within us in a deeper way.
• We have gladdened the heart of the Father who rejoices in our mercy and moves to bestow on us new grace, the grace He gives to His sons and daughters.
• We have robbed the enemy of a victory!

Thus, although forgiveness is a sacrifice, it procures—both for heaven and earth—a tremendous victory. While refusing to forgive has appeal in terms of the power and energy that bitterness appears to offer, in the end it merely leaves us stuck in a cycle of perpetual loss and distress and holds us in permanent victimhood. Indeed, for a person to not forgive is equivalent to his drinking poison, but desiring someone else to die of it. It is completely irrational.




The Importance of Self-Forgiveness
One of the most painful things a person has to face is himself when he has been the cause of suffering in another. When a person becomes aware that another has suffered for his actions, encountering himself is always an agony.

I am convinced that the reason why many criminals keep committing crime, and keep committing worse and worse crime, is because of the inner hatred they hold against themselves for the evil they have committed. Forgiveness is a basic human need. When we are not given it then we experience depravity; we become worse human beings. That depravity invariably produces more depravity.

In my years as a priest, I have noticed that people find it much easier to forgive someone who has hurt them than to forgive themselves. Even in the case of those who have suffered terribly at the hands of another, such as children who have suffered sexual abuse or the victims of rape, I have seen them, after extensive therapy and healing, come to forgive their abusers. However, almost all find it more difficult to forgive themselves.

Why would a victim need to forgive himself? I have noticed a pattern: A victim always hates himself. The experience of suffering and abuse makes a victim encounter his own limits and ultimate powerlessness—his weakness—and that encounter can produce a hatred. I once worked with a victim who experienced terrible sexual abuse as a child. That victim’s life had been permanently affected by the abuse. After working extensively with her, and gradually getting her to invite Jesus into the situations when she was abused in the past, as well as into her heart now, she was able to come to a forgiveness of her abuser. Then I asked her a question: Are you willing to forgive yourself for being abused? I continued with a series of questions in succession:

Are you willing to forgive yourself for being powerless against your abuser?

Do you forgive yourself for being created as a sexual person who became a target of a predator?

Do you forgive yourself for not being lovable enough to keep from being a target of abuse?

Do you forgive yourself for not being able to assist yourself and finding a way to end the abuse?

Do you forgive yourself for any way in which you may have compromised with your abuser and cooperated with the abuse (background: as a way to stop the pain many victims stop resisting attempts at abuse; later this often causes increased mental anguish).

The victim by this time was a sobbing mess. And to these questions she responded with a resounding, “NO!” To non-victims, such a reluctance to forgive seems irrational. The experience of being a victim can very subtly produce within the soul a hatred of the self. That self-hatred is especially dangerous because it often hovers at a level just below the surface of the victim’s awareness.

Our Lord’s commandment was to forgive. That prescription also includes ourselves. When we choose not to forgive ourselves where are choosing to hate someone that God loves. We have set ourselves in opposition to the will of God.

A victim’s healing can never be complete without this self-forgiveness.

http://mariagoretti.com/index.php/how-to-forgive/

 

Andree, I think you are learning a lesson every one of us at some point have to learn. And do you know why.
Because no matter how long you spend thinking about it, there is not one single soul or Spirit in Heaven including God Himself who has not had to forgive. I have come to believe, forgiveness is the number one criterion required to enter Heaven. After Faith, Hope and Charity.

I too in my younger days (20's) was driven to the point of hatred for someone who repeatedly offended, insulted, disrespected and presumed over me and my family. I reached the stage of wishing the person death or misfortune every time I so much as thought of that person.

Because I remained polite and friendly on the outside in the vain belief that was the way to get past the situation; that hatred grew, and became deadly in the silence of my heart.

I began to realise this hatred was a new experience in my life, and I felt it was wrong; but as you mention, I was not able to get rid of it. Of course we all have vexations and annoyances, and these we have to deal with in the light of the Gospel. But the one I share was something else.

Finally, I was at a retreat and the chance came to talk to a Priest, and I decided to ask him how I could deal with this. He did not believe me when I told him, it took me half an hour to convince him I was speaking the truth. Then thanks be to God, he advised me how to cure the problem.

He said "Stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself. Now visualise Jesus standing behind you, looking over your shoulder. He loves you, He died for you. He forgives your sins and wants to share eternity with you in Heaven. Now visualise the other person standing behind you looking over the other shoulder. Jesus loves that person, He died for that person. He forgives that persons sins and wants to share eternity with that person too. Practice this," He said, "until you are able to let go the hatred that has taken root in your heart." The technique worked successfully for me thank God.

Because I had to give the Priest examples of things this person had done, he was able to tell me, this person was indeed culpable. This helped me a lot, because we always feel somehow responsible when these situations occur. And I was able to work successfully to overcome the disease of hatred that could have destroyed my soul. The Priest also advised me it would have been better for me to have had a row with the person who caused me so much trouble, than to hide the offenses and nurture the seed of hatred.

Anyway, that person is still part of my life, and the only reason I am able to stay in peace is knowing, that person has a view of life that does not take into account how 'irritating' that soul truly is. Mercy for the sake of Peace, is my greatest weapon in maintaining a good outward relationship, knowing Jesus loves that soul too and wants them saved.

Sorry if this this very wordy. I think it covers less serious vexations and annoyances. In fact they are a doddle compared to getting to grips with the situation mentioned above.

Hope this will help you. God bless you and give you a new way to deal with the cross you carry.

 

I get a surprise when someone who passes a remark causes me to rankle and brood and fume over it. Sometimes I have simply misunderstood what they said or did. Sometimes I am just tired and irritable. Very often though I think it is the devil who keeps throwing me a bone to chew over

Most often though lately I have been considering how often it is simply my pride. Part of me know that this is ridiculous. Nonesense and that I shoudl let it rest , forget about it. Oftent hoguh it even keeps me awake at nights with black smoke coming out my ears and it is a real struggle. Pride, pride, pride.

A heard the most wonderful sermon by a priest a few years back who remarked that most of us are like roaring lions when anyone makes the least little comment critical of us. He says this is true even in religious houses. That is why so very, very few people are willing to give even the tiniest correction to others and we can spend our whole lives with the most severe faults and vices and no one even drops a hint to let us know.

They are simply afraid. They kno we will go crazy if they mention anything.

View attachment 3574

 

But in the lives of the saints we see again and again how different it is. The saints are given a thorn in the flesh to criticise and set strght, sometimes a whole army of thorns in the flesh.

There was a very good example in the life of St Father Charles of Mount Argos.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_of_Mount_Argus

One of the priests took a dislike the St Charles and used to correct him on each and every occasion he could get his oar in and was not afraid to do so in public and in front of others like a little school boy. He did this so regularly that the toher priests thought he had been asked to do this as his job.

St Charles took all this on the chin, which is just amazing.

 

Another example off course is the Novice Mistress of St Bernadette Soubirous who beacme convinced poor Bernadette was a fraud....

 

The astonishing thing is that it is not the most loving, the kind, the sweet people we encounter on the road of life who will serve most surely to serve us as ladders to heaven , it is very often those who kick us most firmly in the teeth.

Thus Jesus asked us to Bless them.

Matthew 5:44

Love Your Enemies
…43"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.' 44"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.…

 

The story of a Saint comes to mind - I believe it was St. Gertrude. One of the nuns asked the Lord in prayer who was the holiest among them. He said, "Gertrude." She couldn't believe this, and asked, "How can this be, when she has so many faults?" The Lord said, something like, "I don't remove those faults to keep her from pride."

One of the things that drove the other nuns crazy was that she flitted about from one thing to another, leaving some things unfinished. But the Lord said that she was listening to the Holy Spirit, and was following the Will of God moment by moment.

St. Gertrude (or whoever you are, if I got this wrong), you are my hero!

 

I would have thought the Holy Spirit would be a Spirit of order?

 

One of my friends felt the Lord saying one day that she needed to be less so that the He could be greater. (Jn 3:30) She started to pray for this grace and shortly afterwards the Lord put a person in her life. This person now lives with her and is very hard going! My friend was a bit rebellious to this change at first, but then realized her prayer was being answered. She now says nothing and offers all the annoyances to the Lord instead. In a recent conversation she said she understood in a new way the words of the hymn, "Spirit of the living God"..... "MELT me and Mold me." She reckons it should be "BREAK me and MOULD me!"

 

Say a prayer to our great warriour st. Michael to rid your mind, heart and soul away from bitter memories and unloving thoughts...works like a charm