[quote Anyway, I hope someone might have some words of wisdom here. I don't think it is any dark night or any of that either.[/quote] Hey Jimmyiz--I was just catching up on some posts and saw yours. I too LOVE to study apparitions, prophesy, mystics, earthquakes, chemtrails, diseases, plagues,scripture, comets and sun events and earth events, prepping, history, anthropology, geology history and gardening and reading and other things. I Love, love, love the Blessed Mother and Jesus and the Church. You need not feel bad about these interests!! I keep having a hard time being TRULY sorry for my sins. I am feeling DE-SENSITIZED TO THE WORLD AND THE SORROW ETC. It is an important thing that you continue to go to Mass, adoration and confession and say the rosary. EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING. This is a sign of grace AND possibly a sign of depression (who the heck isn't depressed with the world situation!) BUT if you possibly can, try to do something outside of yourself...like feeding the homeless in the homeless shelter on Easter, or volunteer at the Salvation Army thrift shop or at the men's shelter etc. You know the saying that 'attitude is everything' and many times, getting out and stepping out of our SELVES can open a whole new world for us. If you can't do that, just do five kind things a day or say five kind things to people around you and you and God are the only ones who keep track! Just a thought. I know Jane didn't mean harm, but she sure has a crappy way with words sometimes...geez! Be at peace---God loves you and is 'refining you like silver'.... I'm here, as are so many others to help keep you afloat! I expect you to hold me up too! P.S. Be sure to get yourself some holy water and bless yourself and your home and car and say the St. Michael Prayer in your car and in your home while you bless everything...that will keep ol' red legs at bay!
Here is that conversation Jesus had with St. Gemma Galgani. I know it seems like one of those classic dark night experiences for the advanced mystics, but maybe aspects of the reasons Jesus explains to her are universal truths that can be applied to our growth in holiness too at some level. I think it is interesting that after a life full of direct communication with Heaven, Jesus, and angels, she is told by Jesus that He is going to take all of that away from her. That she will pray but not feel, and she would not be able to cry (that jumped out at me when I read that again because of what you said Padraig): “After the Holy Hour, Jesus let me know all that I will suffer in the course of my life. He told me that He would test my virtue ,to see if I really loved Him, and if the offer that I made to Him was sincere. He told me that I will feel my heart becoming like a stone, I will feel arid, afflicted and tempted. All my senses as hungry beasts will rebel against me. He said: you shall be always inclined to evil; your mind will be tormented by earthly pleasures. Your memory will bring to your mind all you would not want. You shall have before you all that is contrary to God. You will not feel anything that comes from God and I will not allow your heart any comfort. The demons with my permission will do all they can to attack your soul; they will incite you to evil thoughts, you will dislike prayer and you will often endure terrors and fears. No one will believe you and you will suffer scorn and reproof. No one will give you comfort; not even those you look up to. In fact, all will reproach you and you will feel great confusion. What will cause you more grief will be that the Heavens will be like bronze to you [they will be closed to you , -trans.]. Jesus will appear to you as a severe judge. You will pray, but you will feel as if you did not. You will look for Jesus, but you will not find Him. You will feel that He is rejecting you. When you will try to recollect yourself, you will feel distracted. When you call upon the Blessed Mother and the Saints, no one will pity you. You will feel that everyone has abandoned you. When you will go to confession in order to receive Jesus, you shall not feel anything, and furthermore you will feel aversion for these things. When you will practice devotions, it will be out of necessity, and you will feel as if it was wasted time. You will believe, but without belief, you will hope, but as if you had no hope. You will love Jesus as if you did not love Him, because during this time you will not feel Him. You will hate living and you shall be afraid of death; you will not even be able to cry... At the end of the Holy Hour, Jesus told me that he would treat me in the same manner that the Heavenly Father treated Him.”
Thanks Jon...Seeing St Gemma's diary really does help although I think consolations should be taken from me because of my sinful nature where as Saint Gemma didn't seem to deserve it although God knows best of course. I too was drawn back to our Catholic Faith through Mother Angelica and Scott Hahn. They played key roles.
Thanks MS7...Great post. As I mentioned in my first post, I am looking at a lot of this prophecy stuff etc to possibly stir something in me that I am not finding in basic tenets of our Faith. I can't seem to get beyond the surface of the Faith. I despise being on the surface and superficial side of our Faith. I long so much to have something deeper. I have had tastes of it and it's now like some longing that is soooo frustrating. Why God? Why won't you take me deeper? Please don't leave me on the outside looking in. It's like I am outside a church. The doors are see through. I can see in. I see Jesus standing there at the altar. I see others there. I know the depth of God's love and presence is in there. But I am doomed to be on the outside (surface). The door is locked and I don't have the key. Now I know the keys are the basics of our Faith but they aren't working. It does not unlock the door. I'm pounding on door. Jesus sees me but doesn't come to let me in. He is waiting for me to open the door but what I have now or know is not unlocking door. So I search for more. I search for the KEY. Yes I do look at apparitions and end times and prophecy etc in hopes that Our Bless Mother will show me the key. I hope to find something in them that will bring to life everything else. The superficial will be gone. The surface will be gone and I will enter the Church and bask in God's presence and love. I will have penetrated the depths of God, never to be the same. Never to return to the surface. Oh no, the surface and superficiality only of a religious faith are not enough and not for me. I would rather have nothing. I am looking for the metanoia (a profound, usually spiritual, transformation;conversion). Thank you for your advice. God Bless.
That is a very very interesting post. You really are in touch with what is going on and what you want and what you see. So MANY PEOPLE ARE NOT! May I make a suggestion? For some reason as I read your posts I keep getting that you need some sense of humor in your life. My personal favorite is Mother Angelica Live. She is like a grandma who tells it like it is, how it is, and why it is. She teaches with humor, is real and is kick butt truthful and leaves you loving the faith and makes you want to give yourself a hug when you are done. My kids LOVE her and sometimes say, "Mom, why are you always serious and introspective? Why can't you just laugh and tell it like Mother Angelica does? She does it with JOY AND humor! Its like a dagger to my heart, because I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT---but I am not Italian, I am part Irish and mutt and I see the glass half empty more often than not!! I DO feel more light hearted and forgiving of my own faults after I listen to her on EWTN. No one does what she does...God bless her....wish we had more Nuns like her! Just the fact that you are searching for the truth and trying to fill the empty hole in your soul means so much Jimmyiz! My husband is going thru something like this right now. He is feeling an emptiness that he says he has not felt since he fell in love with me and knew he had to marry me. (Thats 33 years ago!) We got to talking and I tried to compare it to other things and I finally said, "Do you feel like your detaching from the world?" His eyes lit up and he said, "I think you've hit the nail on the head." I feel like I could walk out of our home with you all the kids and take nothing and never come back and it would be ok...its SUCH A WEIRD FEELING THO...I'm very in control of my feelings and this feeling is just something like the other shoe is going to fall and its ok....its like a page is turning and I have no control over it and God is handing me a rope to hold onto and I don't know why or what, but I'm called to trust. He is very FULL (of emotion?) AND YET VERY EMPTY...and then that day Mark Mallett sent out a wonderful blog on VOLUNTARY DISPOSSESSION--wow! What a gift!! It really spoke volumes to us....http://www.markmallett.com/blog/category/daily-journal/ Seems he isn't the only one!! Peace to you Jimmyiz!
Jimmy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! in fact, quite the opposite, though it doesn't feel like it. God is calling you forward, he has stopped feeding you on milk and is giving you solids to eat. They don't go down too well. You have been stripped of all consolations, all warm fuzzy feelings, all emotions with regards to your faith. You have been stripped of peace too it would seem. God is calling you for this.. Seek first the kingdom of God. He is teaching you pure love, to love God for His sake, for who He is, not for what he gives etc.. The main reason however is this, God wants you to grow in trust to really mature in your faith. So everything is taken away, he is asking you if you believe in Him whether you feel it or not. This is an awful place to be, it is the pits... But so worth it when you come through it. I promise you this. Many souls are in danger of falling at this stage, or could fall back into old habits. When that happens, the consolations come flooding back. God waits for another time to encourage the soul to mature. Some souls never reach this point. They keep going back to base. God understands this and loves them deeply. Keep on as you are praying. I was so desperate for The Blessed Eucharist. I would be so relieved when I received Him daily, but within minutes that peace would disappear. I had lost everything, or so it seemed. This was when I read Sr Faustina's books, sweet books about the faith just didn't cut it for me when I was going through this. I needed books that would talk to the core of my soul. I don't know if you are like this? Or maybe the opposite... a distaste for books, it pains you to hear others talk of their faith in the light of what you are going through??? I am not saying that this is the case, but just a few things that happen to people when they go through this. I read Story of the Soul. Padre Pio. Sr Faustina, and I just kept trusting regardless of what I felt. I told Jesus I believed Him because He had walked the Earth, He had told the complete truth and He has backed this truth up with who He was in what He did too. So I had to make a choice. Believe Him or not. This stage for me lasted quite a while. But oh..................... when the consolations came flooding back, a beautiful peace invade my soul and the consolations were as honey to my lips. Hang in there, keep on praying regardless of what you are thinking/feeling or lack of it. You will be delighted when you come through it and will realize how much further along you have come in your faith. I think God is bringing many people through this, not just the saints as it used to be. Times are awful, the faith is disappearing. People are being persecuted. God is teaching you faith so that you will be ready if the time comes for you to draw on this blind faith, courage and complete trust in Him. Just sit before the Cross, or before Him in the Blessed Sacrament. Tell Him how you feel, and keep looking up at His love for you. How did he even take one nail in his hand? Can you hear those screams. He wouldn't give up for love of you Jimmy. Hang in there. I know He could have disappeared from their midst at any time. How do I know this? Because Jesus did it when they grabbed Him and were about to throw Him over the cliff. Two things kept him going through that passion. His complete obedience to the Father restoring Grace for all of us, and His complete and utter love for you. Take this love personally.. This time will indeed pass and you will be a new man. God bless you, I shall remember you in my prayers. You are also being taught perseverance in your faith. Every day remind yourself to be patient with yourself as you pray and wait on God. Unite this time to His agony in the Garden. You actually know how He feels or a glimpse of it because of how you feel.
Padraig, I would like to post two beautiful songs here. Do I send them to you first. The first one is called Abba Father, it is Christ calling out to His Father from the Cross. The second song is about giving our hearts over to Christ. They are two beautiful songs and very fitting for this time of year.
I must be a bit thick, I can't see where. I tried to upload a file as I have them stored on my media player, but it wouldn't let me.
Found it on you tube. Can't post the other one though. Will see if I can find it. (Christ calling out to His Father from the cross, very moving)
Hi Jimmy, I've been meaning to respond to your post but haven't had time until now. what you are going through is very normal. To start with your quest to read about apparitions and/or prophecies...I went through this phase at the beginning of my conversion. I used to "apparition surf" and try to read all these visionary's messages. I think it's pretty normal to do this...especially now where prophecy seems to be ready to play out before our very eyes (with Benedict's resignation, etc.). One of the things that got me through this phase was reading the works of Anne Catherine Emmerich. She has written extensively about her visions on the lives of Jesus, Mary, and Mary Magdeline. I started reading her books instead of visionary's messages, and my thirst was quenched. Reading about the life of Mary or passion of Jesus is far more interesting!! You can find all of her works on Amazon. As for dryness, I was in the desert for a few years along with heavy crosses...so I know what you are going through. For me, I had no consolation from prayer, and I felt God had completely abandoned me. I would get nothing out of adoration...in fact while sitting in adoration, I would say to myself...Jesus has left the building. I felt like I was getting crushed by my crosses and Jesus did not care and my life felt like I was in a small room with no windows or door and the walls were closing in. Anyway...I heard a priest talking on EWTN yesterday, and what he said reminded me of what I went through and what you are going through now. He said, and in fact repeated 3 times something like...You haven't learned to pray until you pray when you are in complete dryness. And then he asked are you seeking sweet God, or the sweetness of God (consolation in prayer). Dryness happens to us all so that we grow closer to God, grow stronger in faith, and to mature our faith. It's just a stretch you need to persevere through. My suggestion is to try to pray, even if it's robotic. If you can't do a full rosary, at least do 7 Our Father, Hail Mary's, and Glory Be's. A rosary CD helps me as well. Or if prayer is still hard, maybe focus solely on adoration or scripture reading, or read Divine Mercy or something else, but really do a lot of it or do it well. My thing was adoration. I did it faithfully even though I didn't feel like going and didn't feel anything when I was there. That was my one foot in the door when all else (like my prayer life) was not clicking. Eventually the darkness subsided for me and I know I'm closer to God for it. Below are a few links to a blog that helped me understand the dryness, or read Padraig's prayer garden thread. I'll pray for you! http://rcspiritualdirection.com/blog/2009/05/04/dryness-in-prayer-part-ii-our-part http://rcspiritualdirection.com/blog/2009/05/18/dryness-in-prayer-part-iii-gods-part-in-the-struggle
Thanks PotatoSack...I appreciate your help. I have heard Anne Catherine Emmerich mentioned in here a few times. I haven't read anything from her though. Thank you for pointing me in that direction. I will have to take a look at her writings. Everyone has been so great with advice. Thank you for the links and ideas also.
