I grew up in a liberal Catholic family, but we were also German. I don’t know if it was from that, “the old German stock,” but our family didn’t display a lot of emotion, let alone love; no frequent hugs and kisses or gestures or words of affection. It’s just not something I learned or experienced growing up. As a young adult, I strangely thought the only women guys were “allowed” to love, or at least openly express love to, was their biological mother and wife. Expressing love to any other women, family or friend, just wasn’t done. It’s just a hang up I developed in my liberal Catholic family growing up. For a very long time, it also stunted my own Marian devotion. I certainly openly expressed love to my wife and my own children, but not to other family and friends, except my dad, just before he died. My best friend Tim seemed the same, a stoic old school German. He was over twenty years older than me, somewhere between a big brother and a father figure. Nonetheless we were “best friends” for well over twenty years, but expressing “love” between two guys just wasn’t a thing we ever thought of. When he got cancer a couple years ago, he went into the hospital with some odd GI complication one weekend, but he certainly wasn’t “dying of cancer.” That Sunday evening he phoned and talked to me briefly from his hospital bed. As we hung up, he said, “I love you, Brian.” I was really taken aback. In over twenty years, neither of us had ever even considered saying such a thing. We were old school Catholic men; we just didn’t say such things. Tim died unexpectedly the next morning, so those were the last words I ever heard from the best friend I ever had. When my children were young, we spent a week for several summers at the lake cabin of our dear friend Doris and her husband Doug in Maine. Doris is a devout Catholic and very close to death as I write this, from end stage renal failure. Since she lived up in Maine, we rarely got to see each other. She always preferred writing emails to talking on the phone because she had trouble hearing on the phone. We exchanged emails multiple times a week. A couple years ago, I think because she knew I was going through my own real cross with my family falling apart, she starting signing off in her emails with a simple “Love, Doris.” It took me a long time, but I started signing off my correspondence to her with a “Love ya, Brian.” Eventually I got over my hang up a little and closed with a simple “Love, Brian.” While I was volunteering the summer of 2018 to fall of 2019 at the Marian Missionaries of Divine Mercy in Massachusetts I became close friends with Joe, a 25 year old who shared my interest in conservative “right wing” politics, guns, and hunting. He was a zealous Catholic, a graduate of Ave Maria in Florida, and was and still is discerning a vocation. Joe was incredibly kind and grew up in a generation and a Catholic family that doesn’t have the hang ups I grew up with. Whenever we talk on the phone, he always closes with “I love you.” Again, the first time he said that, I was taken aback. Two “men” telling each other they loved them? But my friend Tim had already passed away when Joe first said this to me at the end of a phone conversation, so it wasn’t completely new to me. I was able to share Tim’s story with Joe, as Tim’s daughter was also involved with the Marian Missionaries and Joe had met Tim as a result. I recently related the story of our dear family friend, my receptionist, on another thread. I wish I had gotten over my hang ups earlier and learned to say “I love you” to her before she died from cancer. Long story short, I’ve lived alone for six years now after 26 years of married life. I’m still technically married as I don’t “believe in” the modern annulment process, I’m getting short on close friends these days, and due to the terrible problems in my own family, I’m not hearing from my wife or children. I don’t know what the immediate future is going to bring. If there’s someone in your life you truly love, it’s probably time to tell them, if you never have. But my MOG family has been made up of such prayerful, loyal and dear friends for so long now, I need to say this to you all too. I should have figured out long ago that truly devoted Catholic friends are indeed “allowed” to say it. I love you, and pray for all of you, my MOG family, daily. Love, Brian
Love you right back, Brian. Prayers for you always and for all on MOG. Who knows what’s in store for us these next years? But I’m happy to have found this place, even when I’m not active. I look forward to the day, even if it be on the other side, where we get to have a drink and enjoy each other’s company. I always imagine being there with Luke handing out the drinks and Padraig sitting at the head of the table. That is if I don’t mess it up down here. Please Lord, may it be so.
I hear what you are saying Brian. Someone, a local comedian said of our family, 'The only soft thing about the Caughey's is their teeth!'. One time, years ago a monk asked me if I had ever told my parents that I loved them? Of course I never had, nor them me. But I laughed at such an idea. Why would I do so? They know I loved them and I knew they loved me; why do such a thing. But the monk persisted. It needed to be said out loud. So the notion that I should do so persisted like some irritating fly. So one night I got a little drunk, built up loads of courage went home and told my mother and father I loved them. I would say it was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. They told me right back that they loved me and we hugged and cried. Totally, totally unheard of in our family. Thank God I found the power and grace to do so before they died. It does need to be said.
Brian - you have been through the toughest six years. Not hearing from your family is a torture and no words I can say can bring consolation. But in eternity they will see the impact of your prayers and they will know the height, breadth and depth of your love for them. I lost my Dad less than a month ago. He never truly understood how much I loved him for he could not see the through the hiddeness of the prayers nor the little sacrifices I made for his soul. He can now and believe me that is so consoling for me as I continue to offer rosary after rosary for his soul knowing that this is the ultimate act of love. God bless you, Brian.
Thank you Brian for these heart felt words. Its important to say--to everyone we love while we can say it. I love all of our MOG family too and pray for everyone too. Real Catholic friends from all across the world--what a great gift. Our Lady gave Padraig the notion and he responded, bless his heart. Honestly I feel I know all of you even though we have never met. I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you again Brian for this beautiful post.
Beautiful Brian! And thank you for your love and prayers! I love you and all members of our beautiful family here on the MoG site. You are a blessing to my life! As a by the way, I try to read threads at different points in the day but normally don't have the time to comment. Your Thread on 'Van life and pilgrimages' is an inspiration and a Joy! The Van life thread, is so joyful. It has the effect of lifting me out of misery. Gives me a much needed boost, when things look bleak. I love reading about all your new endeavours, your engineering accomplishments and seeing your little cat. Please continue this thread I know it gives Joy to many! God Bless I Love you.
Beautiful post Brian! I love you too and everyone here. I also enjoy reading your Van Life thread and I especially like hearing about Gracey. The only advice that I can think of is for you to not beat your self up about the past. Imho, your "I love you's" going forward will probably have a lot more sincerity than those of many others.
Wonderful Brian and very timely. I used to be such a romantic and loving person but life has greatly altered that for me and now I struggle to say the L word to family, kids, friends and even show them physical affection. I struggle with it so much and just want to do it but I feel blocked all the time for some reason. I don't know why I have problems showing this affection to my own kids. It is a huge mental block now and I am so ashamed I can't get over it. It's like for me now that since I have not been that way for so long, it feels strange to start now. I know they want that affection from me. They know I love them so much and I show them that in so many ways but I keep struggling with something as simple as hugging them. The only time we do is in church at the sign of peace. Pray for me friends that I can get over this block and be able to love on and hug my kids.
Thank you for your honesty, Andy. Just do it! I will pray. Brian and all here, brotherly love and agape love.
Andy, Maybe texting your children "I love you" can help as a first step? Or using emojis? Until you feel more comfortable, saying it to them? Personally, I think that you may feel that will be a little shocked when you verbalize it but I think that they know how you feel already and that they won't be shocked at all. So, HeavenlyHosts advice is good too, "Just do it!".
Well it nearly kills me to say it Brian, But I love you too. I had a friend from Scotland I used to work with in London on the Underground Transport years ago and when I got back home to Ireland I was fond of ringing his up for a chat when I had a few drinks. One time I was far gone and said to him, 'I love you' and it was totally, totally misinterpreted and I heard him tell his wife in the background that he had discovered I was Gay. So that was the end of that, no more phone calls from me. I am touched that the Forum helps you. If it is helping only one person then it is worthwhile and I think from comments that come in it helps more than one person, so thanks be to Our Blessed Mother for that. One thing I find about getting older is that I find I get a lot of perspective on my life and on my failings and sins. One thing I know now at my age is that a certain deep seated coldness in showing love and friendship will not really end in this life; I'll have to wait till the life to come for that , but I am happy enough to wait. Some things just have to wait. Another thing is a much, much greater awareness of past sins, some terrible, terrible things many of which I have simply forgotten about till now. This could lead to despair but instead I just turn and say to God, 'Let us begin today'. That thought always inspires me to pick myself up , dust myself down and start all over again. Another thing cheers me up , is no matter how bad and useless and selfish I may be now I am still millions of time better than my much younger self. That cheers me up a bundle. As to the Future... sometimes I look at it with a certain Trepidation for who knows what is heading towards us all? One thing is certain, much of it will be grim. Much of it will be an exciting, wonderful adventure. But much of it will be grim. But the Lord said to me a wonderful thing about all this in prayer one time, He said, 'Padraig, look back on your life. Did I ever desert you? Did I ever let you down once? Was there any time along the way I was not with you, right alongside you? Well then ; what makes you think I will do so in the future?' That certainly put a smile on my face.
I was walking in the woods today and I looked up to trees I saw the sun shining through the leaves the thought suddenly came to me that God is Trinity and that Trinity is family. So our incorporation into Jesus through the action of the Holy Spirit as Children of our common Father is an Eternal Adoption into family.
I must say that it is even distressing not to be able to meet the members of the forum in person after 4 years of friendship.
The struggle is real; “Real men” just don’t say these kinds of things to each other in todays climate! (Maybe some women wouldn’t understand just how fraught this is?) You too Padraig! When I read your first sentence I quoted above, my response popped immediately into my head, because I was envisioning your subsequent paragraph in my mind. Now I’m literally laughing out loud, uproariously! This is hilarious! This IS part of the reason guys don’t say this! Thanks Padraig, I really needed a good belly laugh.
Thank you for this thread Brian, it is very touching. This forum and all of our wonderful members hold a very special place in my heart, you are all loved and appreciated. We are not here by chance, it was love for Our Holy Mother that brought us here. God bless you all.
