My daughter, with whom I'm very close, just graduated college and has moved across the country to attend graduate school. She has moved in with her college boyfriend of 3 yrs. They are not married; they claim to plan to be engaged within the next couple years, after she/they 'settle' in their new area a while. They have a 2 bedroom apartment and one room is to be set up as guest room. She desperately wants me to visit, and I desperately want to visit her. My first thought is to *not* stay with her and get a hotel, as I cannot condone her living this way. As with most people right now, we are very financially strapped and the flight alone is incredibly expensive. To also pay for a hotel (and probably rental car) more than doubles the cost of my visit. My husband (also Catholic; the sole provider) just wants me to stay with her and save the money. She knows how I feel about their living together (e.g. they are not allowed to sleep on the same floor when they'd visit our home), so discussion and dialogue has already been shared over the years. She knows TOB, etc. but is outside the church right now. Dear brothers and sisters in Christ... do I stay with her or get a hotel? I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice you would provide! Thank you
Despite the significant sacrifice, I think it’s imperative that you maintain this witness to your daughter, to call her home to the practice of the Faith, and chastity before marriage. That may mean prolonging the time until and between visits, to save up the necessary funds. Make sure she understands this reality is caused by her choices and actions too.
That is such a tough predicament. I know many would say staying with her shows you condone such behavior but then again wouldn't going out there be the same. I don't share that view though. She is your daughter and you are to always have a relationship with her and love her not the sin. I wonder what Jesus would do had this been in his time. He would have stayed with the sinners as he always did but also talk to them about that sin not in a way that is condemning but one of love and understanding to help them understand why it is sin. I wonder if you could indeed stay with your daughter but under the idea that you will be sharing the room with her and not staying in the guest room.
That’s a great compromise! Have the boyfriend stay in the guest room while you visit, JMEP. Tell her you can’t stay with them otherwise. And use that private time with her to good effect.
Perhaps stay in a hotel and have your daughter stay there with you. That might say to her that as much as you love her, you will not be a part of her sin by staying in a house that she shares with the man. If she appreciates your financial state, she will hopefully see why you are willing to make that sacrifice.
Thank you for the responses. I so appreciate the insights. My first thought was to stay at the hotel. I spoke with her yesterday and she is insistent I stay with her in her guest room. Then I too thought of trying to 'switch' rooms and make such a request (or condition?) of my visit. My daughter is very...emotionally-driven. We are very close; the only tinge of bitterness in our relationship is about this (living with boyfriend), as I would not allow her to live with him in their last year of college. She recently (in tears) brought up in a respectful discussion that she abided by that for me, despite knowing they could have saved the money for her future grad school years. Tinges of resentment for how she 'respected' this for me, but I won't 'respect' this for her... She is emphatic that I stay with her in the guest room, and my husband believes I should.... and I have no claim on their 'household' and should support them 'as adults' now. Does he respect that I don't want to condone her living this way? To an extent yes--- but to him that doesn't mean pay for a hotel or ask her to shift her lifestyle. He is the sole income-provider, and has been wonderful in allowing me to be a stay-home mom and now caring for aging parents in lieu of working. On occasion, the latent comment will come out about my not 'providing'. I want to respect my husband, and I want to respect my adult-now daughter--- but want to and must respect the LORD more so. I do not want to displease Him or Our Lady in any way. I must throw it to Their Arms and allow Them to sort the pieces..
You have an impossible situation. I yhimk in this case--speaking for myself--she knows you don't condone the situation. You have been very clear about it. I think I would go and stay with her, armed with holy water and sacramental. Your love is the most persuasive weapon in your arsenal of prayer. She knows how much this costs you but truly I can't see Our Lord saying a big no. She is your child! I know you have to pray on it. But this is my 2 cents.
My priest in the past helped me to sort it out as I had the same situation as yours. He said our job was to raise them according to the truths, as adults (though they are our children) we must let let go and let God.
Good advice from your priest Mary's child. I have had words with my husband over similar situations, he can be rigid. I've said the exact same thing to him, turn it over to God. It is not worth a severed relationship with your child to be the one who is right. All you can do is pray for your children who have drifted away from their faith. God will take care of it in His time.
She knows and respects your stand and loves you. I would go and be close to her. Love her. You do not even have to say anything about the situation. She already knows. Just love her; that will say enough. Love her and pray for her. St Francis De Sales once said that you attract more sinners with a spoonful of honey than a barrel of vinegar. St Paul also said, 'I am all things to all men'. A big hug from you will say a lot more than a big row. Let your love say it all.
I understand you situation. We too go went though similar situations with our adult children and continue with it as 3 of the 4 don’t regularly attend Mass. my wife is the “bulldog” - sends texts, calls, etc “you need to go to Mass and confession”. I don’t disagree with the need, but my wife and I argue over her style. I am of thought that we can remind, invite, and tell them it’s good to go, but the pushing part I feel will drive them away. Sorry for digression, in this case, I would stay with your daughter sharing room with her. It’s a witness still and I don’t see it condoning their living arrangement. And perhaps while a tough thing to raise, maybe let her (him too? ) know that it’s not just the “sin” part but in this crazy world, the need for a sacramental marriage with Jesus at center is so needed - it will strengthen them. I know that is preaching to choir but maybe they need to hear it. And believe me I know…. My daughter got married December of 2020 by Justice of Peace. It’s not that they are against a Church wedding, she did no want her husbands family to not be there as they are from Ireland and could not travel. We cajoled her- get the sacrament and the “ceremony” can alway be a renewal of vows. No dice on that. Hoping they get to Ireland or his mom and dad can come over here soon…. Peace.
Yes, this is my gut impression too. It can be done with love and compassion but firmness. Your daughter needs to fully comprehend just how much this means to you. And to Jesus and His Mother. I too have severe family “issues.” I fully grasp just how heartbreaking the whole situation is.
I've had a lot of experience with this type of thing through the years with my siblings (they're all younger than I am, and our parents didn't fill the role of trying to spiritually guide them, so it fell to me). I learned the hard way that being pushy and constantly reminding them of what they should/shouldn't be doing not only didn't work, but drove them further away from the Faith. I struggled a lot through prayer to find the right balance and I slowly backed off and learned to show as much love and non-judgment as I possibly could while never actually condoning things that were sinful. Two of my siblings were married by justices of the peace, and I attended with love, only after gently reminding them that as Catholics they should be married by a priest in church. My sister was angry and cried and defended her decision...she felt she had no choice because she was already pregnant...and I empathized with her and told her I only felt I had to mention it because I loved her so much. I also told her firmly that she DID have a choice, but it was up to her to make it, not me. I wouldn't judge her. That was something I thought a lot about afterwards...Just not knowing if I'd done it right. She did choose the justice of the peace, but later, as our relationship grew because I hadn't judged her and was continuing to bring up our faith in all kinds of positive and supportive ways, she experienced a huge change of heart. She regretted not choosing the Catholic wedding and ended up going through a very long complicated process (that she's still in) to get her marriage properly validated. It ended up showing her firsthand why the Church teaches what it does and how it tries in its wisdom to actually make things simpler and better in our lives and faith. And I've been there to walk her through it because our relationship was still intact. So I think it's a fine line, but as long as the person knows the truth we're trying to help them see, we can still be there for them through their poor choices. After all, we make so many mistakes and sins ourselves, even when we know what is right. And even our smallest sins are a big deal to God. But He's always loving us and gently knocking on the door.
JMEP, I've been watching the thread, listening to everyone's loving concern and seeing the tenderness and anguish in both your daughter's and your heart. I didn't think I could add anything that hadn't already been said until I prayed my evening prayer a little while ago. The Biblical reading for the evening happened to be taken from 1Peter, and the part that seemed pertinent to this discussion had also been included in the second reading at my wedding to Geralyn some 38 years ago! That part was as follows: 1 Peter 1:22 Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere love of the brethren, love one another earnestly from the heart. What I see in the above verse is that obedience to the truth is a prerequisite for earnestly loving from the heart. Your love for your daughter draws you to visit. Therefore I would follow the second suggestion, ask your daughter and her boyfriend to allow you and your daughter to share the master bedroom during the visit. You can't change the direction of their lives (Jesus will eventually through your prayers), but they can show their respect for your conscience in the meantime. In that way your obedience to Christ and your love for this couple will be wed together. O Mary conceived without sin, draw this couple into the beauty of holiness.
Looking back over the comments, I see that I misunderstood...I thought she was saying the daughter offered to sleep with her in the guest room. That's what I thought was a perfect arrangement!
