JEREMIAH 1:5... BEFORE YOU WERE FORMED IN YOUR MOTHERS WOMB, I SAW YOU AND APPROVED YOU I have been thinking about something Lee said a few days ago, for it really struck a chord with me. I cannot find the post again but Lee mentioned how, looking back in her life she could see God acting to take her a little apart from the everyday so that she could draw closer to Himself. Saint Therese of Liseaux is very concious of this prevenient grace and talks a lot about it 'Story of a Soul' One thing I recall in my own life. There was a time when I was very popular and had many friends and we used to hang about a lot together. Then after one summer holiday I lost them all at the same time. Some went to different chools, some to different classes and I was left alone and very lonely. Then on my way home from school I started to call into church a lot to visit. But if I had not lost my friends this would never have happened..and looking back on my life I see the hand of God in so many ways like this. I think in a kinda way, to truly follow God is a kind of divine madness. For God's ways are not the ways of the world. We have to come apart from the world and this is more than a little 'mad' You see this again and again in the lives of the saints. In order to encourage us in this God hits us sheep a little with His crook. There is a mystery in this. Some people just cling so tight to the ways of the world and won't let go no matter how the good shepherd nudges them. But one things amazingly true. God loves us all equally because He loves us all perfectly and infinitely. He loves us as much as He loves Our Lady. Its just our hearts are not like Marys, we never made them big enough by giving to let God all the way in. But Mary did.
This subject caught my eye. It does seem like God sometimes draws us closer to Himself by stripping us of everyone near and dear to us. This process was a major factor in my conversion. I had just graduated from college (a December grad) and my friends were leaving, going in their own directions. That in itself got me away from one type of social scene. It took me 5.5 years to get through college -- but that was because I was working full time too. I was a supervisor at a big department store, where I had a large group of friends there (many of them college students, too). We liked to hang out at the bars after our shift ended. We had a lot of fun together. After I graduated the college social scene ended and I got a teaching job, but on the weekends and in the evenings I continued to work as a supervisor in the department store. Little did I know that my boss and another supervisor were embezzling money from the company. They were fired and prosecuted. When I was turned down for a promotion I did not yet understand that I too was under investigation. Of course, when I learned that I had been blacklisted just because of my association with the two embezzlers, I was livid and walked off the job in a huff. The investigation never turned up anything (and I was innocent), but many people, including my so-called friends, suspected that I might be involved, but was just too smart to get caught. Ha! The truth was opposite--I was too stupid and niave to realize that the numbers were being fudged. So, within a six months time period, my college friends were dispersed across the country. My job and my work friends there were gone too. It was summer . . . so there was no teaching job. And I already knew that I didn't want to keep teaching . . . I hoped to utilize by business degree instead. And, to top it off, my best friend and youngest sister got in a huge fight . . . my sister and I lived together . . . so my friend was afraid to come around. If you knew my sister . . . you'd understand how she can be intimidateing . . . . ha! I was friendless and joblessness. Niavely, I expected my fresh degrees to dazzle potential employers. They didn't. Door after door was closed to me. My Dad was angry with me for walking off the job, because he thought I was going to make a nice career for myself there. He stewed about this for weeks and we were not talking when he died of sudden heart failure (not related to his anger with me). Even though we had our go arounds, he had been my strength and support throughout my life. WHen I felt like I needed him most, he was gone. It was sad that we parted on not good terms, but I don't hold it against him and I'm sure that he didn't hold against me on the other side. It was just bad timing . . . so, I've never really stressed over the little rift we had in those last weeks. I wouldn't have been able to say a proper good-bye anyway, because he died while away from home . . . in Canada. It was tough all around. Life looked prospectless. I wondered why I bothered to continue, but I wasn't thinking about suicide. After my dad's death, I didn't want to put the family through something like that. I just wished like crazy that I'd never have been born. Anyway, I'm writing more than I intended. Basically, I'm trying to say is that it was during this time . . . when I had no more parties to go to, no friends, no money, no job, no status, no earthly pillar of strength (my dad) to turned to . . . and with the pride in my own abilities stripped from me . . .this is when God took advantage of the opportunity to bring me into the Light of His grace. In the darkness, He became my Light. He used evil to make good and he turned my sorrow into joy. Really. For this I am ever grateful.
Its true about the madness and it's true about being apart. I stopped working 5 yrs ago and never would have guessed that God was pulling me to the side of the road to be with Him. And yes Padraig, more than once I've thought I was just a tiny bit nuts and I'm sure my friends and family have thought the same. But I wouldn't change a thing. When I converted we had a wonderful Irish priest in the parish and one Sunday in his homily I switched to another channel and heard "stay here, you are in training". I never knew what that meant until after 911 and I discovered daily mass and a life filled with prayer. Fear was a great motivator at the time. If I had gone another way with my new found spare time the outcome would have been frightening I'm certain. This journey to God is like being on a desert to me. That's where I hear best and it's where I am more inclined to cling to all His goodness and mercy. Now it's the love and peace I know that is the motivator. I watch my friends go in the directions they go and know it's not for me...odd man out I guess but it's delicious to me. . . that God has a path just for me. It doesn't look like any other (that's where the madness comes in) but it's so rich and so beautiful. Lee
Rain, what a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing. Maybe it's the time of year or the graces we experience but it brings out the heart and trust and the stories just tumble out. I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. You certainly went through an awful lot in a very short time. I admire your courage and strength. It's amazing to look back and view from the rear and see God's hand in it all. Lee
