Fractured Reflections/Broken Mirrors “We know what is happening in the neighborhood, in our neighbor’s home but we do not know what is happening within us”.-Pope Francis I will from a few times a year, have the experience of the ground I am standing on disappearing, and I find myself inwardly floundering. I can’t quite name the experience but it is very unpleasant. I am not sure I handle it well, but it does pass in a few hours. To feel rootless and adrift, is hard for me to embrace, but what else is there to do? As much as I would like to figure everything out, and have the answer, it will not happen. Over time I have come to accept the reality of how little I do know, and my faith is not going to bring me out of this experience. It will, however, help me to stay in the boat, trying to be calm, and praying, no matter how poorly I do it. It is during moments like these that I feel my inner fragmentation most strongly. It is not like the feeling of going under, but of simply being caught up in a state of inner vertigo. I know this says nothing actually, but still that is how I feel. If there is a positive side to this, it is the fact that when in this state I find it very hard to size up others, the compulsion is for a short time, gone. I guess that could be considered freeing in a certain sense. Perhaps the “compulsion to size up others” is a ploy on my part to keep me from looking inward in an honest manner. Which I find can be very difficult. For blind spots, well, are blind after all. Yet, when I can see my own fragmentation in others, it is less angst-laden than if I experience it myself, without the luxury of judging others. So I believe it is a grace when this very uncomfortable experience is more or less forced upon me. It is like a trapdoor opens and I find myself in the cellar, an often dark one. My faith can often feel like a small light in a very large, dark, cold place, but it is there shining away. I leads me along, even if I do a lot of stumbling. It seems to open up avenues of empathy and compassion for others. How is it that we can deal with this inner world at all? God is not a magic man in the sky that atheists so love to stamp believers with. Nor does God seem to care how comfortable I am at any one moment. However, I have learned that each inner state, if observed, and listened to, is a teaching, a correction, and a disciplining from an Infinite Mind, which is loving, kind, and seeks only the wellbeing of all His children. Growth into freedom is a slow process, and there are times when I wish it was speeded up a bit. Yet I also know that I am the one who makes the process slow, and most likely more arduous than it needs to be. I do believe that the crosses I create by my own seeking to avoid ‘truth’, are actually heavier than the ones willed by God. So I do stumble more than running the way towards God, yet the mercy of God endures forever, and hopefully, the more I learn that the more compassionate I will be towards others, and most difficult, towards myself.-Br.MD
Thank you Rosalia66, I am blessed that you read it. We all need to understand that 'we all go through it', and the Lord is always with us. Peace Mark
Ah brother you mention the weight of the crosses. So much truth in your post. I understand that sense of the ground dissapearing. Finding myself lost in a dark wood. Cold afraid unsure. Yet when God wills a light overwhelms like a freight train bearing down upon my nothingness with great force. These moments often linked may be months apart. Within these months the weight of the crosses slowly reveal themselves. So much to unpack here…. Few to understand. I talk to God pleading for my father to hold me. I have slowly come to understand a secret. He is in love with us. We are the barrier to experiencing his love. The seed is sown. Heat and thorns vultures attempt to destroy the seed. All from within the human heart. The destiny of the tiny seed is to go down into the earth to die. Not from heat or thorns even from the vultures. No to be offered freely. There is no other way. Pray for me. An intention that needs Gods gentle touch involving my youngest son. A moment that has lasted now into its second year of suffering. Are we willing to die? Freely to give all to receive all.
Sometimes I equate holiness with fulfilled spiritual disciplines and a decrease in falling into repetitive sins. But such a spiritual barometer can become for me prideful, and tempt me to compare myself to others. Once done, I feel rootless, adrift, and it is harder for me to embrace humility. You have been on the meditative path much longer than I. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of your journey. Though I don't know what is happening within me (Pope Francis), your reflections have proven to be a blessing and source of hope in my prayer life.
